crazysane

 Today is the same as every other day because today I want to die. Or I like to tell myself that but I think maybe its not true because it wouldn't be such an issue for me than. Or something like that. Today I'm going out to a rave close to the dorms. I'm nervous. But I know what I'm going to wear, and I know what I'm going to do. Drink a lot! Still I'm really scared right now. I feel lonely for some reason. Like I feel really irrelevant lately like what I say isn't really important. But also like I don't have anything to say. Maybe I need another hobby. 

The other day my friend and I had a long talk about what it really feels like to be addicted to a harmful behavior and how it is really hard to get out of something like that. I haven't really remembered that part of my life for a while, even relapsing in minor ways didn't make me remember but talking to him I could tell he really knew, better than me. But it was on both of our minds at the time and I think that's kind of funny. I don't know if I enjoy destroying my body for the clout or the character development or to get people to sleep with me even though I don't want any of those things but I don't like that I've always come back to the same thing. When you teach a dog to play fetch do you think it's bothered by the leash set by its' owner?

Anyway, today I woke up at around late (10:30AM), went to the DC and saw my favorite employee!! I won't tell though because I think most of them are pretty great. I had a shrimp po-boy sandwich with tomatoes and sauce and pepperoncinis and I wasted two perfectly good latkes. I heard they're having wings sometime soon!