Dear God,
it is simply a shame that I was ever even born and dear God, if you can hear me I know it's been a while but if you're out there I would love your help and dear God, if you'd ever answer me I know I'd listen and I'd make sure I knew and dear God, what is the point of being in this world if you were going to just forget us? Oh dear God, I hope it doesn't last much longer, but if it does don't let it end too soon. I know we people are such a fickle bunch with so many beliefs and ideas and maybe you've answered all our prayers, maybe you've spoiled us too much with our desires and I know we don't know what's best for the world. It is getting harder and harder to want to be here it seems, and it's getting hard to find something to fight for, and something to fight with. If you would be so kind as to throw me a noose or a knife, a gun or a pitchfork, something to defend myself against my own weakness, then I'll stand and face the world, face it head on and direct until my skin runs raw on concrete and my body runs on chemicals. I'll eat poisons in my morning oatmeal and look for the time to eat an apple in my day and I'll sleep well at night knowing I'm doing something swell for the world. Just tell me what I want to hear. Tell me that I'm doing just fine as a person, I'm doing even better than I should, tell me I'm above average, tell me I'm in the highest percentile.
But I know that will not happen. Dear god, I look for the why in a lot of things, I think my fundamental motive is based on understanding motives, and so I find it easier to believe that I was put here for a reason, just by someone beyond my understanding. Still I can't get over the fact that I am silly and pointless, but I am important to myself. I am my only self. I'm finding it hard to think that I may live a life where I might find the ultimate understanding of everything, and still it won't mean a thing. In the back of my mind I feel I will find the solution or die to it, in a literal or metaphorical sense, a bomb will drop on me and the things I once new will be worthless.
Dear god, I know I don't live my life the way you intended. It's not the way I intended to live it either. I hardly think I live alive. Every time I write something I think about how I feel like an empty empty empty person. I believe this is just my truth.
Thank you for your time,
__
P.s. Today I went bowling and drank a lot of beer and stuff. It is a Monday night, Tuesday morning kind of day. I woke up at around 11AM, completely missed my midterm, ate a bowl of porridge and a container of leftover rice. Then I took some adderall, had some coffee, and went to a Jazz concert on campus. I did not even go to the DC. What a failure of a day! Later I went and had a burger and a soda at that cheap place, drank, smoked a cig, more adderall, and I plan getting a nap in at 10:30AM. What I life I lead. How purposeful!
