mostly its ok

9/20

School's back in and I've been feeling a lot better about things lately.  

9/27 

I've been feeling really disconnected from my life, like its not quite happening and I've still got time for other things. That's not very good I must admit. But the weekends always free for me to drink my troubles down. My friend spent the night in my bed yesterday and the day before. I don't know how to be less of a loser and more of a human. But I think I'm ok with that. It's not good to run against your wiring. 

Things are in general pretty alright lately. I like my friends and I trust them more than I tend to. I feel like I'm going crazy a lot because I'm just such a mess about everything but mostly it's ok.  

7/23/2026

 i learned today that everything is out of my control

and not just heard it, 

but i cant spend all my time thinking about the ways that things go wrong 

you cant plan for wrong

i cant spend so much energy wondering if im good enough because things rot and wither away and the game changes 

soon enough the game im studying the rules of so intently won't exist

and the human race will move past this

and i cant still be wondering if im good enough to make an amendment to a set of rules thats been overwritten while im still watching the written line of a quiet chat and an outdated irrelevant version of time 

i live in the now but my mind lags behind wondering what went wrong and why and how

and while i stare at the structure, the building's construction and filling and polish 

without me the building will have been demolished 

7/11/206

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how little I do and not in the sense that I never do anythign but that I never put anything on the line. I dont every sacrifice all too much to create something I take pride in, for school or fun or work. It feels terrible. I'm so inconsistent with what I desire and so it feels that I never have anything that I really want. 

envy

 7/7/2026

i still dont have a lot of the words, or more accurately the connections to the words for emotions that I need. A few months ago I was describing to someone the feeling of anger I have when I, essentially, feel lame about something and someone else swoops in almost and feels cool for it. Which I feel like is irrational and I assume irrationality is by default wrong, but that's just not true by many peoples standards. But anyway I only just realized that this feeling is actually envy. I think i am a very envious person. I suppose this is because I feel like there are so many things that I could do and i feel inferior in so many ways! 

For a lot of time in my childhood I fell into this "not like other girls" crap and now I only feel jealous of people who had an "other girls" childhood. I feel like I'm past the point of "intentional" difference, and now I'm hungry for sour grapes. Now I feel like I'm not invited to femininity. And I've ruined my chances anyway.  

No matter that, I'm lately at what I think is peace with myself and everything happening right now. I like the summer because I feel like I have all the time I need. And then I don't end up doing much.  I hope I'm not too behind everyone else. I'll just try not to be too envious.

My friend has said a few times that comparison is the thief of joy and I think that's about right.  

6/9

 6/9/2026

The other day I found out that Peter Thiel is gay!? And this made me realize on the other side of diversity is the fact that more and more people in power will be minorities, and that reaches no closer to what I want in the world. Who cares what I want in the world? It's only my sole metric of understanding anything. I had a horrible dream today. But all these other divisions, race and gender and politics and favorite colors are distractions from the most powerful division, which is wealth class. omgs!

"blessed are the rich for they shall inherit the underworld" -D20

"everything was beautiful and nothing hurt “  -reels

 

4

 6/4/2026

I've been talking with my ex lately. I'm feeling very sad today. I've been having a good week but this is adding a lot of stress I'm not enjoying. I was really mad for a while because it's a lot easier than being sad but I can't lie forever. I missed him very much. I wish I didn't. I kissed him yesterday. 

I still don't think I'm healthy and I still don't think I can love very well and I still think I have a lot of problems and I can't deal with any of that if I'm dating. So I don't know why he's back or what I'm doing. 

School's out so I don't have the DC anymore. What to do!?

poems

 5/25/2026

I'm imposing a new rule that for my writing about myself places that they're not allowed to talk about leaves of absence because it just wastes time and repeats sentiments without any proven benefit. 

heres a few poems

A.
Today I am going to look people in the eyes and smile. 
And my smile will tell them I'm trying as hard, I'm no less, but everyone's got problems and that's why my hair's wearing the grease of three days and I'm in pajamas. 
It will tell them about the people I've met here and how I don't know what I'm looking for or what I'm learning for.
It will tell them about my house and my family's love, about my school and the friends I've made, about the people who hurt me, about what I think of love. 
It will tell them about the times I didn't believe in anything, about funerals, about Sarah. It will tell them that this morning I thought about how long it's been since I saw her face, or called my mom, or got a good hug. It will tell them how I wished I could take it all back. 
My smile will tell them; I don't bite, I'm just like you. I am friendly, I am lonely. 
It'll ask, "Are you lonely too?" While I grit my teeth and purse my lips. 
and let my fingers twitch at their tips

and when they smile back i will listen too

B.
A droplet slips onto the floor from the lip of a cup in my hands. The water anxious, rippling circles tremble form the sides, wanting to follow. An ocean cascades from the hole of a cup in my hands. The waves splash in thrilling cacophony, hitting the floor under, over each other, making a lakeside front of the tile, and settling into rest. A puddle sits patiently in silence. An empty space cozies into the cup in my hands. The moisture wicks its way eager up our socks, leaving tracks as I hasten for a towel. 

Sorry, says the water.  

C.

dear God, please let me die today. I am in so much pain just being alive on your green earth and I know that this is a gift but I'd like to take the receipt to the returns and cash in some store credit.

ok. 

and if only god were so merciful.  

salad

 I don't know what it is but lately I've been feeling really quite good. I think being single might be good for me. I feel bad for my exboyfriend because he has been sad lately. But that's not necesarrily my fault. I saw him yesterday and we had a little talk. I miss him but not really too badly. I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately, and they're super weird but I'm glad I'm dreaming again. 

 I don't have much to say. I hope I pass my classes this semester.....

Today at the DC I had sliders and a little salad and I actually ate it all!!!!!! So I think that might be the method because salad is super easy. Goodnight! 

DCless in Sea-n Jose

 4:38AM 
This week I've been having a lot of love for the people in my life (friendshipally). It's been pretty awesome. I hope this week is good. Last week was good for me mentally but terrible academically and really terrible healthwise. My family's going on a trip this week so I won't be seeing them for a while either. 
I finally gave myself the haircut I wanted and I feel like it's a lot more me than before!! and its super cute.

This week I wasn't really thinking about much. I did a lot of singing and I possibly might be playing a show?! It's still kind of unclear. But I think it would be super cool. 

Not much to say today... but maybe some good things in my future #fortunecookie 

Crema the Talking Cafe

4/6/2026 

Hello again SJSU Dining Hall! 
We're back from spring break and I'm actually feeling pretty good. That's gonna change TODAY when I check my grades but you know what? I'm gonna have to deal. I saw all my friends back home, I hung out a bunch with my bestie, and I got broken up with!!! It's pretty ok though. I feel like it was coming almost. Obviously I'm sad but I'm gonna be ok I think.  

4/8/2026
    Life fucking slaps this week. The morning is beautiful and the city is busy and I'm up and attem and out on the town. I had this thought last night that I'll never see life through anyone elses eyes, and nobody else will see through mine. Like one of those quotes that says life is just about trying to get other people to understand you for real. But I feel like that's a pretty obvious thought but I always felt like one day I'd have grown up and become someone else completely. Of course I'll always be me for the rest of my life. The rest of my life is my life! That may be a super obvious one. 

I went to work with my friend bright and early today! And I'm hoping not to get too tired anytime soon. But I think I'll have to eat something real soon.... 

Either way the skies are clear and blue and hopeful and a little anxious atm. Things might just be alright. 

Still, my classes are really stressing me. I'm gonna have to drop something because otherwise I'll be facing three (???) F's!!!! I'm trying to get my grades up but there's only so much I can do with the time left. I'm not too worried about what this means for me because I know why I'm not doing well, and I'm still learning new things, but the idea of academic probation or my momma yelling at me sounds pretty scary. I'm hoping to meet with a counselor this week so wish me luck! #praying2theDCgods

My friend works at a cafe and it really is nice here. I feel like it'd be nice to come back. Next semester I might arrange for more free days because it would be really awesome to be able to go anywhere instead of class. I'm not a fan of history. Or philosophy. This sounds really ignorant but the structure of history doesn't get me going most of the time, and philosophy pisses me off bad. IK immature, but it just feels so pretentious the way things are presented. Like who gives a fuck if time is real if I know that every lecture the clock is ticking down? Honestly though, I should've picked a  different class because I thought I really needed a morality lesson, but I think I need something on like reasons to live ngl. Not in a suicidal way because that's way too much of a committed decision (double entendre?) but in the sense of giving importance to my life. Maybe it's more of a thing where this is not even quite a philisophical question but something I need to ask myself. 

What do I want out of life? 

I always think I want love but I don't think I was aware of which kind. I think right now trusting my friends is really important to me. 

Overall, I think I had a pretty awesome break. We did a two day double sleepover, and when we went to bed I had this feeling that I was really loved among them. It was kind of something I don't know if I've felt ever even??? It's so corny though how I end up cheesing chudding out with friends because I just feel so "I needed this" if ykwim. But I'm an ugly girl at heart! I love my friends so so much though and I'm so glad to have them.  My bestie bae has a boyfriend now (just as me and my other bestie boo lost hers lol #triocurse) and I'm really so happy for how shes handling herself in college. She's always dealt with her shit on her own so for her to only need to deal with HER own shit and noone else's shes's been prepared to do. Both of them are kind of like that honestly. In different ways but maybe that's what brings us together. It's always so funny to me how we're different in a lot of ways, like music, style, opinions, general taste, but we're still close. Yeahyeahyeah

Coming back up I was pretty nervous because I'd been thinking about my friends up here and how they're not quite as good (lol) but I think I'm peaceful with it. I think we're still on to get an apartment together, and its gonna be a chill next semester. I just have to make it!!!! 2 more months!!!!

Over the summer, I really want to work my job, try and get perscribed or something (talk to therapist smh), and HOPEFULLY get my damn permit finally. Its shameful as hell to be going on 19 not even close to being able to drive. But when I can, I wanna get a cute car and I'll drive all the time. 

Today I am hopeful! 

Anyway, onto the important stuff. I didn't get to go to the DC yet, but yesterday I went around the morning and then again around 5ish and I had some pasta and a Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich (AGAIN). It made m retch which is pretty unusual but my appetite's been on the fritz so I'm not surprised. Hopefully today I fare better. Good morning! 

booohoo

3/15/26 

-- Things are looking up for the ol' me!-- 

What do you call it when you're super stupid and wrong? 

The world seems like a really nasty place right now. I am lonely at the moment. I am not feeling great. And honestly none of this feels real anymore. Last week I learned that Cesar Chavez was a pedophile. Who can we trust in the world? If not Ghandi? If not those who fight injustices? If not Cesar Blvd fucking Chavez? 

I'm so scared for when I am going to go into the real world. I don't think I have the mental capacity to process my world around me even. Right now I am failing every class I'm in. I am not trying my best at the moment. I am so very sad. I want someone to make me feel less lonely. When I lie to myself about things being good I feel good. When I am honest I feel awful. I don't think I'm doing this right.

I feel like I am too weird to have friends really. I don't know what to say to people lately except, "things feel awful' and "life is bad". But the more you tell yourself things like that the more they're true. So maybe my mantra should be "things are temporary" and "life can be good" but those feel like lies right now. Usually something kicks me out of a funk like this. I feel the funk like this a lot. It's no groovy funk. It's more of a sludge or a bad smell. 

Nothing makes me happy anymore I'm afraid. To admit this is to make it true right?  

I am aware that I am at the point in life where I'm lost and that's ok. Still I'm so terrified to end up old and sad and full of regrets and still so lonely and still so empty. I want to live a fulfilling life. I don't know what will make my life fulfilling. I'm trying to fill myself with knowledge on things like this but I don't go and do anything that I want to and I don't end up finishing anything and my adhd is so bad and I'm so sad that I have it and I blame it for all my shortcomings but at some point I have to get back into living like everyone else is. Everyone else is but me. In the end I still have hope in myself that I'll understand the things I don't now one day. In the end I'd never kill myself because I want to find whatever it is that will make me all whole. 

This country right now is so terrible. San Jose is so dangerous and with how many people die around here, people are kind of desensitized to it. This country is run by the worst of the worst, it's infected to the nth degree and the people just sit around complacent. When Trump first got into office, I wondered, "how far will they let this go on?" And still I wonder, when will it stop? When will someone do something? ANYTHING?  It's terrifying and still I do nothing. We all know and we all talk about it and still I'm worried that people don't like me and that I'm not doing my homework and none of this matters. Everyone's lives are so so small and it's immobilizing how infinitely small I feel. I don't have any desire to do anything; I just want to lose my mind and follow the beat of a heart and the breathing of my loved ones. I feel like it's getting too late for change. I don't even know where anyone would start if they even had the power. I don't know enough. 

I feel like I never liked hanging out with "normal" girls and "normal" guys because they always made me feel like I was weird.  But I think I have this apprehension just on bias and instinct because when I was young I never really fit in with girls or boys or people. I think between genders a little weirdness could slide. In elementary school I remember hating girly things and honestly I was pretty annoying about it, but I just was never enticed by the idea of being pretty if it was for other people. I think maybe I just wanted to be different, but I think I just don't like being told what to do by anyone, and especially the world. But I was thinking about this and I've been friends with a lot of dudes for a long time. I think that's kind of how I operate. I wasn't really aware of it until now, when I see all these groups of girls and my roommates and I wonder why I haven't gotten over being weird and special and not fitting in. I remember in 5th grade, I chose to sit away from everyone at lunch to draw diagrams of people in their groups and organize them like that one page in Diary of a Wimpy Kid which is super weird and kinda creepy I know. I wanted someone to notice and understand what I was doing and understand how my mind works I think. And I am still this weird little kid vying for attention and it seeps out from my skin through my pores and spills right out of me in the things I say and the way I dress and the choices I make.  

It makes me wonder if anything is really how I see it, because I was so wrong about the world when I was young. I feel really lonely. Nobody will hear my words and nobody really sees me right I think. 

It makes me feel less real than the people around me. It makes me feel so empty. I have felt like this for a long time. 

Anyway, last week in the DC, the highlight meal of the week was the Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich. Again! It's my go-to when they have it because I feel like I'm covering all my food groups. Especially if I add some veggies to it, then it's perfect! Around Wednesday I had some good breakfast with fried rice and pork patty. And then there was that one day I just got a big plate of fries and wings. I have to say, they feed me good. I also had some really good food when I went home for the weekend. My mom made some steak to celebrate my brother's soccer win, so I got to have some too!!! I've been craving steak a lot and the DC does not supply it lol. Foodwise, a major win. 

-AT