booohoo

3/15/26 

-- Things are looking up for the ol' me!-- 

What do you call it when you're super stupid and wrong? 

The world seems like a really nasty place right now. I am lonely at the moment. I am not feeling great. And honestly none of this feels real anymore. Last week I learned that Cesar Chavez was a pedophile. Who can we trust in the world? If not Ghandi? If not those who fight injustices? If not Cesar Blvd fucking Chavez? 

I'm so scared for when I am going to go into the real world. I don't think I have the mental capacity to process my world around me even. Right now I am failing every class I'm in. I am not trying my best at the moment. I am so very sad. I want someone to make me feel less lonely. When I lie to myself about things being good I feel good. When I am honest I feel awful. I don't think I'm doing this right.

I feel like I am too weird to have friends really. I don't know what to say to people lately except, "things feel awful' and "life is bad". But the more you tell yourself things like that the more they're true. So maybe my mantra should be "things are temporary" and "life can be good" but those feel like lies right now. Usually something kicks me out of a funk like this. I feel the funk like this a lot. It's no groovy funk. It's more of a sludge or a bad smell. 

Nothing makes me happy anymore I'm afraid. To admit this is to make it true right?  

I am aware that I am at the point in life where I'm lost and that's ok. Still I'm so terrified to end up old and sad and full of regrets and still so lonely and still so empty. I want to live a fulfilling life. I don't know what will make my life fulfilling. I'm trying to fill myself with knowledge on things like this but I don't go and do anything that I want to and I don't end up finishing anything and my adhd is so bad and I'm so sad that I have it and I blame it for all my shortcomings but at some point I have to get back into living like everyone else is. Everyone else is but me. In the end I still have hope in myself that I'll understand the things I don't now one day. In the end I'd never kill myself because I want to find whatever it is that will make me all whole. 

This country right now is so terrible. San Jose is so dangerous and with how many people die around here, people are kind of desensitized to it. This country is run by the worst of the worst, it's infected to the nth degree and the people just sit around complacent. When Trump first got into office, I wondered, "how far will they let this go on?" And still I wonder, when will it stop? When will someone do something? ANYTHING?  It's terrifying and still I do nothing. We all know and we all talk about it and still I'm worried that people don't like me and that I'm not doing my homework and none of this matters. Everyone's lives are so so small and it's immobilizing how infinitely small I feel. I don't have any desire to do anything; I just want to lose my mind and follow the beat of a heart and the breathing of my loved ones. I feel like it's getting too late for change. I don't even know where anyone would start if they even had the power. I don't know enough. 

I feel like I never liked hanging out with "normal" girls and "normal" guys because they always made me feel like I was weird.  But I think I have this apprehension just on bias and instinct because when I was young I never really fit in with girls or boys or people. I think between genders a little weirdness could slide. In elementary school I remember hating girly things and honestly I was pretty annoying about it, but I just was never enticed by the idea of being pretty if it was for other people. I think maybe I just wanted to be different, but I think I just don't like being told what to do by anyone, and especially the world. But I was thinking about this and I've been friends with a lot of dudes for a long time. I think that's kind of how I operate. I wasn't really aware of it until now, when I see all these groups of girls and my roommates and I wonder why I haven't gotten over being weird and special and not fitting in. I remember in 5th grade, I chose to sit away from everyone at lunch to draw diagrams of people in their groups and organize them like that one page in Diary of a Wimpy Kid which is super weird and kinda creepy I know. I wanted someone to notice and understand what I was doing and understand how my mind works I think. And I am still this weird little kid vying for attention and it seeps out from my skin through my pores and spills right out of me in the things I say and the way I dress and the choices I make.  

It makes me wonder if anything is really how I see it, because I was so wrong about the world when I was young. I feel really lonely. Nobody will hear my words and nobody really sees me right I think. 

It makes me feel less real than the people around me. It makes me feel so empty. I have felt like this for a long time. 

Anyway, last week in the DC, the highlight meal of the week was the Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich. Again! It's my go-to when they have it because I feel like I'm covering all my food groups. Especially if I add some veggies to it, then it's perfect! Around Wednesday I had some good breakfast with fried rice and pork patty. And then there was that one day I just got a big plate of fries and wings. I have to say, they feed me good. I also had some really good food when I went home for the weekend. My mom made some steak to celebrate my brother's soccer win, so I got to have some too!!! I've been craving steak a lot and the DC does not supply it lol. Foodwise, a major win. 

-AT