to do list to FIX MY LIFE

 

 The state of the world makes me SICK. 

The state of the food in the DC? makes me SICKER.

  My Goals Today:

1. what is my problem?

2. why am I sad?

 

Questions to ask to fix my whole life

1. who am I?
   1. what do I like
   • I like being smart, feeling like a part of something, art and crafts, yummy food, my mom and dad, the good things in the world like my boyfriends, my friends at home, rollerskating, eating well, spending time by myself, laughing, smiling, people with friendly faces, feeling safe, feeling ok about how the world is or at least my part in it, feeling like people like me and I can trust and that’s true, security, meatball subs, 
   2. what do i dislike?
   • I dislike people who scheme, narcissism, meanness, being tired, being hungry, being thirsty, being cold, having a body, not knowing whats right and whats wrong, not knowing who people are, not knowing who I am, living, being outside of things but yk I get it and all that. feeling scared of my dad because I think he’ll hurt me, feeling scared of people on the street because they’re men, discrimination of anything but attributes of character, even though I’m a hypocrite on this every day, irrational thinking, war, funerals, thinking about doing something I shouldn’t do, feeling really stupid about being stressed, doing drugs and feeling like shit for doing them, feeling lonely, feeling so extremely unimportant in the world, making people do things for me, having so few friends, seeing other lonely people, wondering if they’re really lonely too, if they’d ever talk to me, why i dont talk to them, feeling stupid for how i think, being stupid like really genuinely stupid, realizing something is really not at all how I thought it was, realizing someone has a thing for you and they’re not really your friend and they want something, sex, social power, extreme wealth, extreme poverty, people who cant take what they give out, knowing that you can never know anything or anyone really, war and colonization, clothes, wondering if i’m thinking for myself, wondering if i’m good enough, good enough for what? i know that all this thought will be wasted
   3. what are my values? 
   1. MY VALUES: 
      -trust 
      -awareness 
      -kindness 
      -jokes 
      -trying to make my life better 
      -really trying not to hurt others 
      -trying to understand things as best as I can 
      -artisticism 
      -realistic thinking 
      -the real real truth
   4. do i stick to my values? 
      I don’t think so, and I think I am a really immoral person. I don’t know if anything I’ve done has any upside on it, any altruism, and I think that’s a really big part of being a person that is GOOD. So i am BAD and i know I am bad, and people know I am BAD because it is just that obvious. I think I try not to be a psycho and thats the extent to which I try.
   5. what are the other parts of a person
      ??
      love
      personality

2. what is happening in my life now?
   If I'm honest things are bad and they are going badly and I want more badness and I miss my family and my boyfriend and my friends and my home and I am really lonely here and it feels really bad but I know this is how it should be. If I'm honest I am down on my life but up on my luck and I don't know where I'm taking my life. 
   1. who am I around?
      I feel that I only really have two friends right now and many acquaintances. They are both drug-addicts in the prescriptive sense, as that is what they do. I think they are caring but none of us are very knowing or secure. They are moderately academic. They are unfocused on their lives. 
      My boyfriend has been playing a more minor role in my life lately. I feel that we are becoming different apart from each other. This makes me sad. I think he is very driven to do well but he is also insecure. We have a lot in common in our minds. 
   2. what is my perspective?
      Life is very cruel and very pointless. I feel that I am so small and so unimportant but to a point where I can excuse my actions as being infinitely valueless. At the same time I know I am a person just like everyone else but I feel like I have no direction or goal right now. My social circle feels tiny. 
   3. is the way i see people true or a reflection of who I think I am?
      I've been trying to be more objective lately and be honest about who I am with myself and with other people. I think it's working but it's sucked the humor right out of my life. I used to laugh about anything and everything but the past few weeks have been unmemorable and humorless. I don't know what to do about that or how to stop being a bitch. I think I've gained a better bearing on who I am around but I feel like I keep having to learn not to trust anyone implicitly over and over. 
   4. are these things really bad?
      I keep telling myself I'm just young and I'm just learning but I that's not going to last forever and I don't know what I'm even learning.  
3. how am I going through my days?
   With MALICE in my heart lol
4. am I making smart decisions?
   fuck no
5. what am i worried about?
   I'm pretty calm today. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I'm worried about my academics. I'm worried that I'm going to do really bad this semester too. I'm thinking about transferring and I'm thinking about staying. I don't know what would be the best and I don't even know what the point would be either way. 
6. am i crazy?
   No.
7. am i a sociopath?
   I sure hope not. 
8. does anyone care about me?
   I think so but most of the care is far away from me. 
   1. should I even care about that?
      Yes!
9. why do i like to hurt myself?
   There's no way to fail at that. 
10. when will i stop?
    Ok drama queen! Hopefully soon!!!

Anyway, today I woke up at 10AM, went back to bed, and woke back up at around 4:30PM. I ate a philly cheesesteak sandwich with pepperincinis and cheese on top at the DC today and it was lowkey delicious. I had a Yerba Mate when I woke up. I am looking for adderall at the moment. My plan is to take a sleeping pill and a melatonin in an hour and hopefully make it to all my classes tomorrow. I've gotta remember to study for my midterms. I can't wait for Spring Break! Goodnight.