booohoo

3/15/26 

-- Things are looking up for the ol' me!-- 

What do you call it when you're super stupid and wrong? 

The world seems like a really nasty place right now. I am lonely at the moment. I am not feeling great. And honestly none of this feels real anymore. Last week I learned that Cesar Chavez was a pedophile. Who can we trust in the world? If not Ghandi? If not those who fight injustices? If not Cesar Blvd fucking Chavez? 

I'm so scared for when I am going to go into the real world. I don't think I have the mental capacity to process my world around me even. Right now I am failing every class I'm in. I am not trying my best at the moment. I am so very sad. I want someone to make me feel less lonely. When I lie to myself about things being good I feel good. When I am honest I feel awful. I don't think I'm doing this right.

I feel like I am too weird to have friends really. I don't know what to say to people lately except, "things feel awful' and "life is bad". But the more you tell yourself things like that the more they're true. So maybe my mantra should be "things are temporary" and "life can be good" but those feel like lies right now. Usually something kicks me out of a funk like this. I feel the funk like this a lot. It's no groovy funk. It's more of a sludge or a bad smell. 

Nothing makes me happy anymore I'm afraid. To admit this is to make it true right?  

I am aware that I am at the point in life where I'm lost and that's ok. Still I'm so terrified to end up old and sad and full of regrets and still so lonely and still so empty. I want to live a fulfilling life. I don't know what will make my life fulfilling. I'm trying to fill myself with knowledge on things like this but I don't go and do anything that I want to and I don't end up finishing anything and my adhd is so bad and I'm so sad that I have it and I blame it for all my shortcomings but at some point I have to get back into living like everyone else is. Everyone else is but me. In the end I still have hope in myself that I'll understand the things I don't now one day. In the end I'd never kill myself because I want to find whatever it is that will make me all whole. 

This country right now is so terrible. San Jose is so dangerous and with how many people die around here, people are kind of desensitized to it. This country is run by the worst of the worst, it's infected to the nth degree and the people just sit around complacent. When Trump first got into office, I wondered, "how far will they let this go on?" And still I wonder, when will it stop? When will someone do something? ANYTHING?  It's terrifying and still I do nothing. We all know and we all talk about it and still I'm worried that people don't like me and that I'm not doing my homework and none of this matters. Everyone's lives are so so small and it's immobilizing how infinitely small I feel. I don't have any desire to do anything; I just want to lose my mind and follow the beat of a heart and the breathing of my loved ones. I feel like it's getting too late for change. I don't even know where anyone would start if they even had the power. I don't know enough. 

I feel like I never liked hanging out with "normal" girls and "normal" guys because they always made me feel like I was weird.  But I think I have this apprehension just on bias and instinct because when I was young I never really fit in with girls or boys or people. I think between genders a little weirdness could slide. In elementary school I remember hating girly things and honestly I was pretty annoying about it, but I just was never enticed by the idea of being pretty if it was for other people. I think maybe I just wanted to be different, but I think I just don't like being told what to do by anyone, and especially the world. But I was thinking about this and I've been friends with a lot of dudes for a long time. I think that's kind of how I operate. I wasn't really aware of it until now, when I see all these groups of girls and my roommates and I wonder why I haven't gotten over being weird and special and not fitting in. I remember in 5th grade, I chose to sit away from everyone at lunch to draw diagrams of people in their groups and organize them like that one page in Diary of a Wimpy Kid which is super weird and kinda creepy I know. I wanted someone to notice and understand what I was doing and understand how my mind works I think. And I am still this weird little kid vying for attention and it seeps out from my skin through my pores and spills right out of me in the things I say and the way I dress and the choices I make.  

It makes me wonder if anything is really how I see it, because I was so wrong about the world when I was young. I feel really lonely. Nobody will hear my words and nobody really sees me right I think. 

It makes me feel less real than the people around me. It makes me feel so empty. I have felt like this for a long time. 

Anyway, last week in the DC, the highlight meal of the week was the Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich. Again! It's my go-to when they have it because I feel like I'm covering all my food groups. Especially if I add some veggies to it, then it's perfect! Around Wednesday I had some good breakfast with fried rice and pork patty. And then there was that one day I just got a big plate of fries and wings. I have to say, they feed me good. I also had some really good food when I went home for the weekend. My mom made some steak to celebrate my brother's soccer win, so I got to have some too!!! I've been craving steak a lot and the DC does not supply it lol. Foodwise, a major win. 

-AT 

Sent by Angel

 Dear God,

it is simply a shame that I was ever even born and dear God, if you can hear me I know it's been a while but if you're out there I would love your help and dear God, if you'd ever answer me I know I'd listen and I'd make sure I knew and dear God, what is the point of being in this world if you were going to just forget us? Oh dear God, I hope it doesn't last much longer, but if it does don't let it end too soon. I know we people are such a fickle bunch with so many beliefs and ideas and maybe you've answered all our prayers, maybe you've spoiled us too much with our desires and I know we don't know what's best for the world. It is getting harder and harder to want to be here it seems, and it's getting hard to find something to fight for, and something to fight with. If you would be so kind as to throw me a noose or a knife, a gun or a pitchfork, something to defend myself against my own weakness, then I'll stand and face the world, face it head on and direct until my skin runs raw on concrete and my body runs on chemicals. I'll eat poisons in my morning oatmeal and look for the time to eat an apple in my day and I'll sleep well at night knowing I'm doing something swell for the world. Just tell me what I want to hear. Tell me that I'm doing just fine as a person, I'm doing even better than I should, tell me I'm above average, tell me I'm in the highest percentile. 

But I know that will not happen. Dear god, I look for the why in a lot of things, I think my fundamental motive is based on understanding motives, and so I find it easier to believe that I was put here for a reason, just by someone beyond my understanding. Still I can't get over the fact that I am silly and pointless, but I am important to myself. I am my only self. I'm finding it hard to think that I may live a life where I might find the ultimate understanding of everything, and still it won't mean a thing. In the back of my mind I feel I will find the solution or die to it, in a literal or metaphorical sense, a bomb will drop on me and the things I once new will be worthless. 

Dear god, I know I don't live my life the way you intended. It's not the way I intended to live it either. I hardly think I live alive. Every time I write something I think about how I feel like an empty empty empty person. I believe this is just my truth. 

Thank you for your time,

__ 

 

P.s. Today I went bowling and drank a lot of beer and stuff. It is a Monday night, Tuesday morning kind of day. I woke up at around 11AM, completely missed my midterm, ate a bowl of porridge and a container of leftover rice. Then I took some adderall, had some coffee, and went to a Jazz concert on campus. I did not even go to the DC. What a failure of a day! Later I went and had a burger and a soda at that cheap place, drank, smoked a cig, more adderall, and I plan getting a nap in at 10:30AM. What I life I lead. How purposeful!

chicken barbeque with rice

TODAY! IS GONNA BE THE DAY!

Today is a terrible day. I woke up at 4:40 PM. I did not finish my midterm on time, and it is 6:15 AM and I have not stopped hearing the same fucking alarm every ten minutes since 4:30. I have every desire to, but I have no ability to sleep. I think I will go try and find something to eat or do. I am so TIRED. 

Yesterday I asked a friend of mine for a favor, and they said they had me. Today when I attempted to call in my favor they didn't respond all day. Odd right?! Yeah I'm not clueless but I wish I was. I guess it's making me feel some sort of way. I'm worried about a lot of things at the moment and I really wish there was something to take my mind off of it. Right now, I really need to do my laundry but I can't unless someone helps me because the stupid washing machines only take stupid Apple Pay. What a world we live in!!!!! 

I called my boyfriend today and we talked about evolution and some bull. He really thinks about caveman times a lot, probably way more than I do. I feel hella lonely. I think I need to join some clubs or something I just feel like a mega loser weirdo 3000 and I spend all my time lonely and stupid and mega chudded out. I don't know what to do! I know at least that it's not the fault of anyone I know. I just feel really sad about really nothing. 

Anyway, I was thinking about this conversation I had a while ago with someone where they were saying that we basically are living in a form of dystopia. Constant surveillance and data-mining, and paranoia, and the people in power doing really messed up things to women and children, and false news and histories, its literally 1984! But we're in this weird combo of things because each dystopian fiction couldn't have predicted such a combination of issues worsened by time. I think someone should write a novel! 

I think my feelings lately about things come from my outlook on the world right now and it seems like things are very bleak. I don't know what might change my outlook, and I don't think it will happen anytime soon, but I am being a real downer lately. There are just so many things to be down about! It really is a bad world here. I feel really bad about my part in it. I feel like such a write off. OH WELL!!!

In conclusion, I had some chicken with barbeque sauce and a side of rice in the DC today  It was honestly pretty good! At the time a fire alarm in my building went off and I tried to talk to my roommates but I think I just made it fucking awkward and so I've set my sights on suicide. Jokes aside, the food was really good. They said it was jerk chicken but it was pretty nice to me! And a little bland. Overall, for the DC, I'd say a solid 4 DC stars out of 5. Later I had a cup of Cheetos mac and cheese from a cup in the microwave. GOSH! I'm eating terrible and sleeping worse! My life should be perfectly together!! I don't know how I'm gonna make it in the real world; sometimes I really feel like my parents were right when they told me in high school. Anyway. I don't know when I plan to sleep, but when it turns 8 I'm heading straight for sushi. Well good morning.

to do list to FIX MY LIFE

 

 The state of the world makes me SICK. 

The state of the food in the DC? makes me SICKER.

  My Goals Today:

1. what is my problem?

2. why am I sad?

 

Questions to ask to fix my whole life

1. who am I?
   1. what do I like
   • I like being smart, feeling like a part of something, art and crafts, yummy food, my mom and dad, the good things in the world like my boyfriends, my friends at home, rollerskating, eating well, spending time by myself, laughing, smiling, people with friendly faces, feeling safe, feeling ok about how the world is or at least my part in it, feeling like people like me and I can trust and that’s true, security, meatball subs, 
   2. what do i dislike?
   • I dislike people who scheme, narcissism, meanness, being tired, being hungry, being thirsty, being cold, having a body, not knowing whats right and whats wrong, not knowing who people are, not knowing who I am, living, being outside of things but yk I get it and all that. feeling scared of my dad because I think he’ll hurt me, feeling scared of people on the street because they’re men, discrimination of anything but attributes of character, even though I’m a hypocrite on this every day, irrational thinking, war, funerals, thinking about doing something I shouldn’t do, feeling really stupid about being stressed, doing drugs and feeling like shit for doing them, feeling lonely, feeling so extremely unimportant in the world, making people do things for me, having so few friends, seeing other lonely people, wondering if they’re really lonely too, if they’d ever talk to me, why i dont talk to them, feeling stupid for how i think, being stupid like really genuinely stupid, realizing something is really not at all how I thought it was, realizing someone has a thing for you and they’re not really your friend and they want something, sex, social power, extreme wealth, extreme poverty, people who cant take what they give out, knowing that you can never know anything or anyone really, war and colonization, clothes, wondering if i’m thinking for myself, wondering if i’m good enough, good enough for what? i know that all this thought will be wasted
   3. what are my values? 
   1. MY VALUES: 
      -trust 
      -awareness 
      -kindness 
      -jokes 
      -trying to make my life better 
      -really trying not to hurt others 
      -trying to understand things as best as I can 
      -artisticism 
      -realistic thinking 
      -the real real truth
   4. do i stick to my values? 
      I don’t think so, and I think I am a really immoral person. I don’t know if anything I’ve done has any upside on it, any altruism, and I think that’s a really big part of being a person that is GOOD. So i am BAD and i know I am bad, and people know I am BAD because it is just that obvious. I think I try not to be a psycho and thats the extent to which I try.
   5. what are the other parts of a person
      ??
      love
      personality

2. what is happening in my life now?
   If I'm honest things are bad and they are going badly and I want more badness and I miss my family and my boyfriend and my friends and my home and I am really lonely here and it feels really bad but I know this is how it should be. If I'm honest I am down on my life but up on my luck and I don't know where I'm taking my life. 
   1. who am I around?
      I feel that I only really have two friends right now and many acquaintances. They are both drug-addicts in the prescriptive sense, as that is what they do. I think they are caring but none of us are very knowing or secure. They are moderately academic. They are unfocused on their lives. 
      My boyfriend has been playing a more minor role in my life lately. I feel that we are becoming different apart from each other. This makes me sad. I think he is very driven to do well but he is also insecure. We have a lot in common in our minds. 
   2. what is my perspective?
      Life is very cruel and very pointless. I feel that I am so small and so unimportant but to a point where I can excuse my actions as being infinitely valueless. At the same time I know I am a person just like everyone else but I feel like I have no direction or goal right now. My social circle feels tiny. 
   3. is the way i see people true or a reflection of who I think I am?
      I've been trying to be more objective lately and be honest about who I am with myself and with other people. I think it's working but it's sucked the humor right out of my life. I used to laugh about anything and everything but the past few weeks have been unmemorable and humorless. I don't know what to do about that or how to stop being a bitch. I think I've gained a better bearing on who I am around but I feel like I keep having to learn not to trust anyone implicitly over and over. 
   4. are these things really bad?
      I keep telling myself I'm just young and I'm just learning but I that's not going to last forever and I don't know what I'm even learning.  
3. how am I going through my days?
   With MALICE in my heart lol
4. am I making smart decisions?
   fuck no
5. what am i worried about?
   I'm pretty calm today. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I'm worried about my academics. I'm worried that I'm going to do really bad this semester too. I'm thinking about transferring and I'm thinking about staying. I don't know what would be the best and I don't even know what the point would be either way. 
6. am i crazy?
   No.
7. am i a sociopath?
   I sure hope not. 
8. does anyone care about me?
   I think so but most of the care is far away from me. 
   1. should I even care about that?
      Yes!
9. why do i like to hurt myself?
   There's no way to fail at that. 
10. when will i stop?
    Ok drama queen! Hopefully soon!!!

Anyway, today I woke up at 10AM, went back to bed, and woke back up at around 4:30PM. I ate a philly cheesesteak sandwich with pepperincinis and cheese on top at the DC today and it was lowkey delicious. I had a Yerba Mate when I woke up. I am looking for adderall at the moment. My plan is to take a sleeping pill and a melatonin in an hour and hopefully make it to all my classes tomorrow. I've gotta remember to study for my midterms. I can't wait for Spring Break! Goodnight. 

crazysane

 Today is the same as every other day because today I want to die. Or I like to tell myself that but I think maybe its not true because it wouldn't be such an issue for me than. Or something like that. Today I'm going out to a rave close to the dorms. I'm nervous. But I know what I'm going to wear, and I know what I'm going to do. Drink a lot! Still I'm really scared right now. I feel lonely for some reason. Like I feel really irrelevant lately like what I say isn't really important. But also like I don't have anything to say. Maybe I need another hobby. 

The other day my friend and I had a long talk about what it really feels like to be addicted to a harmful behavior and how it is really hard to get out of something like that. I haven't really remembered that part of my life for a while, even relapsing in minor ways didn't make me remember but talking to him I could tell he really knew, better than me. But it was on both of our minds at the time and I think that's kind of funny. I don't know if I enjoy destroying my body for the clout or the character development or to get people to sleep with me even though I don't want any of those things but I don't like that I've always come back to the same thing. When you teach a dog to play fetch do you think it's bothered by the leash set by its' owner?

Anyway, today I woke up at around late (10:30AM), went to the DC and saw my favorite employee!! I won't tell though because I think most of them are pretty great. I had a shrimp po-boy sandwich with tomatoes and sauce and pepperoncinis and I wasted two perfectly good latkes. I heard they're having wings sometime soon!

Introduction

 Hello world!!!

This is my new blog. I hope you enjoy!

Some things about me are that I dont like the Dining Commons at SJSU, but i love the people who work there! It makes me really truely want to vomit but mostly its ok and i still go there and i still want to eat there because I pay to do that so I might as well and sometimes its pretty yummy the food there. I think I have a complicated relationship with the DC like batman and his orphaned state but really its not that serious although I have been feeling really malnutritioned recently and I need to eat fruit more often but really what I mostly really need to do is feel happy again. I feel so lost and nothing represents that more to me than how I walk around the DC looking for something to eat. Anyway, I respect the work that's put into it, but I'm sure our school could allocate some funds to maybe get better quality ingredients? Or you know I dont know anythign about anything but it just seems like if sports weren't so important they would be less important. 

Thank you for reading!  

#Ih8theDC #4life!