7/23/2026

 i learned today that everything is out of my control

and not just heard it, 

but i cant spend all my time thinking about the ways that things go wrong 

you cant plan for wrong

i cant spend so much energy wondering if im good enough because things rot and wither away and the game changes 

soon enough the game im studying the rules of so intently won't exist

and the human race will move past this

and i cant still be wondering if im good enough to make an amendment to a set of rules thats been overwritten while im still watching the written line of a quiet chat and an outdated irrelevant version of time 

i live in the now but my mind lags behind wondering what went wrong and why and how

and while i stare at the structure, the building's construction and filling and polish 

without me the building will have been demolished 

7/11/206

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how little I do and not in the sense that I never do anythign but that I never put anything on the line. I dont every sacrifice all too much to create something I take pride in, for school or fun or work. It feels terrible. I'm so inconsistent with what I desire and so it feels that I never have anything that I really want. 

envy

 7/7/2026

i still dont have a lot of the words, or more accurately the connections to the words for emotions that I need. A few months ago I was describing to someone the feeling of anger I have when I, essentially, feel lame about something and someone else swoops in almost and feels cool for it. Which I feel like is irrational and I assume irrationality is by default wrong, but that's just not true by many peoples standards. But anyway I only just realized that this feeling is actually envy. I think i am a very envious person. I suppose this is because I feel like there are so many things that I could do and i feel inferior in so many ways! 

For a lot of time in my childhood I fell into this "not like other girls" crap and now I only feel jealous of people who had an "other girls" childhood. I feel like I'm past the point of "intentional" difference, and now I'm hungry for sour grapes. Now I feel like I'm not invited to femininity. And I've ruined my chances anyway.  

No matter that, I'm lately at what I think is peace with myself and everything happening right now. I like the summer because I feel like I have all the time I need. And then I don't end up doing much.  I hope I'm not too behind everyone else. I'll just try not to be too envious.

My friend has said a few times that comparison is the thief of joy and I think that's about right.  

6/9

 6/9/2026

The other day I found out that Peter Thiel is gay!? And this made me realize on the other side of diversity is the fact that more and more people in power will be minorities, and that reaches no closer to what I want in the world. Who cares what I want in the world? It's only my sole metric of understanding anything. I had a horrible dream today. But all these other divisions, race and gender and politics and favorite colors are distractions from the most powerful division, which is wealth class. omgs!

"blessed are the rich for they shall inherit the underworld" -D20

"everything was beautiful and nothing hurt “  -reels