7/7/2026
i still dont have a lot of the words, or more accurately the connections to the words for emotions that I need. A few months ago I was describing to someone the feeling of anger I have when I, essentially, feel lame about something and someone else swoops in almost and feels cool for it. Which I feel like is irrational and I assume irrationality is by default wrong, but that's just not true by many peoples standards. But anyway I only just realized that this feeling is actually envy. I think i am a very envious person. I suppose this is because I feel like there are so many things that I could do and i feel inferior in so many ways!
For a lot of time in my childhood I fell into this "not like other girls" crap and now I only feel jealous of people who had an "other girls" childhood. I feel like I'm past the point of "intentional" difference, and now I'm hungry for sour grapes. Now I feel like I'm not invited to femininity. And I've ruined my chances anyway.
No matter that, I'm lately at what I think is peace with myself and everything happening right now. I like the summer because I feel like I have all the time I need. And then I don't end up doing much. I hope I'm not too behind everyone else. I'll just try not to be too envious.
My friend has said a few times that comparison is the thief of joy and I think that's about right.
